A Peas of My Mind

Something changed....or has it?

missanthropy15@yahoo.com (MissAnthropy15) — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 21:15:00 +0000

In September of 2008 I recorded a PBS special broadcast from Dr Wayne Dyer, the author of The Power of Intention. At that time, I was reading and listening regularly to a few inspirational podcasts and was focused and in the 'zone'. I was trying to read 'A New Earth'. I subscribed to a bunch of podcasts on meditation and clarity and I would listen to them and take notes in a journal. I learned so much and was so happy. I was peaceful. I was sleeping well. I was writing more. I was happy. And then I forgot all about it. I finally got around to watching that special on the DVR yesterday morning. I remembered where I was and how I felt before I let all of the details get in the way. I realized that I was completely emerged in my own frustrations and lost sight of the ultimate goal. I forgot how to be at peace with myself because I was too busy being angry about my circumstances. How did I let this happen? I had the tools. I knew how to use them. I'd used them before with great success. It's all so simple and yet here I was making it all so complicated. Does this all sound retarded, sappy and lame? It probably does, and it's about to get worse.

I feel reborn and awake. I've had the best few days I've had in a long time. I am relieved and relaxed. I'm not worried or anxious, emotions that I've been riddled with for months. If I'm honest with myself, I have to admit that while I still believe that organized religion is a farce, I do believe in the connectedness of all things and in a universal energy that runs through all of us. Does that negate my atheism? I don't know. Does that make me agnostic? Or something else? I don't know. What I do know is that when I feel negative, and focus on negative things, more negative things come my way, or rather that there is a lack of improvement in my circumstances. But when I am focused on peace, and keep my eyes on my goals, that I reach those goals with little to no opposition. There's a good reason that I can't and don't want to write when I'm feeling crappy. It's because I shouldn't. I shouldn't be so focused on anger and frustration that I want to subject others to it, here or anywhere else. That is not to say that I will lose my sarcasm and snark, I don't think I could ever shake that which is such a part of me, but I need to stop letting myself be consumed by what I perceive to be a bad situation or bad emotions because that kind of focus only prolongs the misery.

I'm really not sure what any of this means, other than that I seem to have come full circle and remembered the very basic things that I forgot: how to be peaceful and how to be happy. I am deciding to feel good, to be peaceful and to continue to work on reintroducing these concepts in my life. I need to dig out that journal and read my notes. It seems like I could learn some things from myself...

Nonresolute

missanthropy15@yahoo.com (MissAnthropy15) — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 21:07:00 +0000

For 2009, I accomplished one of the goals I set for myself, which really isn't bad at all considering how busy I generally am. Let's review briefly. My goals were to be 100% vegan, run, read 25 books and put myself back at the top of my list. That list shit is hard to do. I guess that tells you how much success I had in that arena, but I did read 25 books (26 actually with 27 in the works) and that I am very proud of. So what if three of them were children's books. Suck it bitches. I didn't gain or lose any weight, which is ok with me. All of this being said, and for what it's worth, I actually accomplished some major things that weren't on my list and that were highly unexpected. I got us on a budget and we stuck to it. Mostly. I became a paid and published writer and I am now officially employed as faculty at a University as an instructor. Both of these items were high on my list of life aspirations, but things I deemed as intangible at this time and therefore not observed on an immediate list of goals. I have, as it seems, even amazed myself with my accomplishments this year. Go me!

So what's in the works for 2010? Wow. It's a little overwhelming to even try to think about it. Sticking with the reading is a good one, and simple enough to accomplish. Maybe this year I will shoot for 30 books with no children's books to be included in the list. I do so hate restrictions though. Maybe we'll just stick to 25. I also want to journal more. I have a journal that I'm keeping for Jade. A chronicle, if you will, of her teen years. I really, really need to write in it more often. That one's going to be high on my list. My goal will be to write in it once a week, not once a month (or two). But, I think that the most obvious goal for this year will be a career change. I'm not exactly sure what I want to do and where I want to go (and I'm ok with that, that way it doesn't limit my options) but I can tell you for damn sure that I'm not doing it now, so that will be my major focus in the year to come. I'm a smart young woman with a solid education, mad skills and a lot of sass to offer. The right opportunity will come along for me. I can feel it. Maybe it'll be a job as a technical writer. Maybe it will be four different jobs freelancing and teaching and running my business. I just don't know and I'm open to suggestions. I will do one thing per day in an effort to achieve that goal. Today I applied for a job as a ghostwriter on a blog and checked Craig's List for opportunities. It's really too bad I'm too fat for porn.

Reason 452 why I need a new job right now.

missanthropy15@yahoo.com (MissAnthropy15) — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 22:26:00 +0000

Sent from my iPhone

Posted via email from missanthropy15's posterous

The good. The bad. And that which just is.

missanthropy15@yahoo.com (MissAnthropy15) — Sat, 26 Dec 2009 23:36:00 +0000

It's been a rough few weeks. My stress level peaked and my health declined. I have experienced an increase in migraine headaches, panic attacks, anxiety and have an ulcer to boot. My doctor thought it would do me some good to have some time off of work as the majority of my conditions seem to be triggered by stress. I have been off for about ten days, and while I am still experiencing nightmares (mostly work related) accompanied by anxiety and panic, I haven't experienced a migraine at all and my stomach seems to be settling down. Unfortunately, I have to go back in 2 days and I can already feel the anxiety level rising. I can only hope that I can ignore that which I can not change and do what has to be done.

In better news, I was able to reach my goal of reading 25 books this year, which is very exciting for me. I love to read and having met my goal gives me a great sense of accomplishment, especially with how busy I usually am. It's difficult for me to find the time to pull myself away from my obligations both physically and mentally in order to focus on anything else. This may get more difficult as I start teaching classes for the University in February, but I know that can only lead me in a positive direction. Sadly, I don't seem to have met any of the other goals I set for myself. I suppose I will be posting a more in depth review of this as this week approaches and brings with it the new year.... 2010 already. It's so hard to believe.