I moved offices a few weeks ago. I don't care much for my new office. The people are unfriendly and strange. Not that I am not strange. But they are IT nerd strange and not cool nerd strange, like me. Anyhow, today, my Asian cubicle neighbor decided it was ok to burp out loud. A lot. And so... some time later. I farted. And she started gagging and walked away.
I got married. And there are a few things that I wanted to capture about that day, just in case they escape my memory in the future. I know that it is such a cliche to say that your wedding day is supposed to be the best day of your life, but I have to admit that my wedding day was truly the most beautiful and wonderful day. All I wanted was for all of the people I loved to be there and have a good time. I think that we accomplished that objective.
As I was getting ready, the DJ played Moon River (Moz) and I started to cry. Jen Z ran out to tell the DJ to cut the song because the bride was crying.
I spied on all of the guests arriving from the bedroom screen door. I even spied the groom and the best man at the alter and I was simply speechless at how handsome my incredible future husband looked. I watched most of the wedding party walk down the aisle and then ran into the foyer to walk with my parents.
I didn't drink. Even when I was looking for water and pulled a giant bottle of vodka that I had mistaken for water out of the beverage container.
As Richard and I were dancing our first dance, we were talking about how we didn't know how to dance that way and how we equally hated that everyone was watching us. We laughed at how we were faking it.
The table settings, food, photography, hair and make up were incredible. Every single person (save one) came through for us and outdid themselves. What they did for Richard and I can be considered a debt that we could never truly repay. But we will try.
My Dad looked so handsome in his suit. It made me happier than I can express to see him sitting and talking with Shawn before the wedding. He even looked happy a few times.
Monster was the ring pawer, Bruse was the best dog and Polly was a flower dog. They looked so adorable and sweet.
My dad and I got to dance to my very favorite song, Home by DM.
Richard and I danced to You Surround Me by Erasure. I have wanted that as my wedding song for 19 years.
It really touched my heart that Jade and Amy were able to join my wedding party at the very last minute. It meant the world to me that they were both there.
Ramon, Becky, Chris, Mom, Jade and Jen made toasts and I felt so loved that they stepped up to speak for us.
March 30 was the most perfect day, if there ever was one... I will treasure the memories that I have of that day forever....Sometimes, dreams do come true...
1. It's ok to be tired. Whatever I thought you had to be cleaned today can be cleaned tomorrow. 2. I don't have to scrub to perfection. Getting something cleaner that it was is good enough. 3. Buying new clothes, instead of doing laundry, is not pathetic...it is an adventure! 4. If someone is going to judge me for my house not being perfect, fuck them. I never judged anyone for their house being less than immaculate. In fact, I was so pleased to be in their company that I didn't even notice their house. I deserve the same.
Me: *Looking down cube hall. Notices a British flag on someone’s cube. Approaches cube.* Hi. I’m Kerri. I noticed your flag. Are you English? *Suddenly notices his name is Mauricio.* Mauricio: *Laughs* No. But my son was there for two years for school. Me: Oh. That’s nice. My family is English and I saw your flag, so I just thought I would ask you about it. Some other cube farm person: Don’t take anything he says seriously. He’s a clown. Me: *Starts to get nervous* Did your son make the flag for you? Mauricio: No. I made it. *Awkward silence* Me: *Looks towards window* I noticed that someone else here has a Mini Cooper that looks almost exactly like mine and when I saw your flag, I thought maybe it was you. Mauricio: That is mine. I tried to unlock your car at lunch. Me: So you must have a liking for English things then. Mauricio: Not really. Me: I have an appointment with an owl.
Ok… that last line didn’t happen. The rest did. And it was totally weird and awkward.
I went to the best AA meeting ever at lunch. I got picked to read the Twelve Traditions and I shared and I also asked someone if she would be interested in being my sponsor! She was amazing and she cursed a lot and she reminded me of someone I adore who has been a great inspiration and support to me. And then, I gave a new sober, gay friend a ride to his new job and we chatted in the car. And to think that I almost didn't go today. I see a little piece of myself reflected in every single person at these meetings. Such a humbling and amazingly human experience...
Yesterday, I officially 'celebrated' two months of sobriety. It still sucks, but not as much as it did a month ago, which I think is progress. I am not as angry as I was, but I still don't like being powerless over something. I feel kind of lame celebrating two months, because it doesn't seem like such a long period of time, but it truly has felt like an eternity.
In five days, I am going to marry the love of my life and the most beautiful and committed human being I have ever known. There are no words to truly convey the sense of joy and peace that I have. This is the feeling that I had been searching for all of those many blog posts ago.
I have to admit that this was one huge disappointment. I had to drag myself, kicking and screaming, through this one. I had no connection or sympathy for the protagonist and found just a handful of passages here and there that held up to the author's reputation. Palahniuk is far too heavy handed with the the pop culture references and they become quite repetitive and mundane as the book drags on.
Today, I am celebrating one month of sobriety. It's a process. A learning experience. And it sucks. It's a constant battle within myself. I don't want to be the girl who can't drink. I want to fight it and prove that I can handle it. I'm angry. I'm resentful of myself because this is the one big thing that I just can't control. I've accomplished so many other things and in the face of so many obstacles, and yet I just can't seem to be able to do this. I'm constantly railing against my ego that tells me that I should try again and that I can drink and stop when it's time to stop. But I can't. I've proven that over and over and the did-ease has progressed, as they tend to do, on a downward spiral that had only hurt myself and others. I don't want to be powerless. I don't want to be out of control. I'm sorry I can't have a better attitude about this whole situation, but I do truly hate all of it, so much, and the parts of me that make it so that this is what has to be done.
I should be celebrating. But I'm really just angry.
Upside down strawberries really do look like dicks!
It is the first VD that I have looked forward to and enjoyed in all of the years that I can remember. Seriously. I think the last one was grade school when we all made envelopes and gave cards and candy to all of the kids in class. I wish we did that at work.
Someone gave someone else a bouquet of unicorns. Now I can't stop thinking about strange things to put in a bouquet. Chili dogs. Books. Pens. Laptops
They actually make serial killer Valentine cards. Which made me look for American Psycho cards. Which led me to this. Which made me insanely happy.
I was honestly a little disappointed with this one, although there were two passages that distinctly struck me as brilliant. The author's discussion of how we perceive true horror as a part of the realistic landscape is fascinating and gives pause for thought.