Monday, August 18, 2014


I am in love with a certain kind of melancholy.  It is the most true romance of my life.

My least favorite words...

My life depends on them.  Right now.  This pile of noodle feelings and thoughts...  I have to sort through them, one noodle at a time.  Unraveling them without unraveling.

I haven't looked for her profile in about a week.  I haven't asked about her.  Sometimes I am conscious of it and sometimes I am not.  All of the time, it hurts.

He stays and he goes.  Sometimes without physically moving.  It hurts.  I don't know what the future holds and for the first time in my life I might be ok with that.

The feeling of weakness is sometimes overwhelming.  I am coming to despise being called strong because it's a lie.

Insert a zillion positive cliches about overcoming here.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

My husband...

Good morning my love. Something has been weighing so heavy on my heart for the last few days and I need to talk to you about it. I am truly and deeply sorry to you that I, your wife, was not there for you and as supportive of you as I should have been over the last months, but especially when you felt alone and needed me the most. I was too angry and too resentful to be able to forgive you and love you the way you deserved to be loved and cared for. And I am so ashamed and so sorry for that. I could offer a million excuses to you for my responses, but none of them really matter. The only thing that matters was that you needed me and you deserved more from me than I gave. And I can't possibly tell you how sorry and regretful I am that I was not the person I should have been for you. It breaks my heart that I let you down. I need you to know that this is not a small thing to me and that I will do every single thing I can to make it up to you. I love you so much  I can't possibly tell you how sad I am that we have lost so much time to trivialities. I am so lucky to have you in my life. You are such a beautiful blessing to me.

Monday, August 11, 2014

I should be...

...writing my 40th birthday manifesto about a new beginning, mistakes, regrets, failed relationships, fresh starts and all of that other shit, but I just can't.  Even breathing is hard right now.  My thoughts don't make any sense and thinking futher than 5 minutes into the future makes my heart race.

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Joey Kerouac

I probably need to be stopped.  I just wrote this bio for one of our available Boston Terriers:

Joey is an American Gentleman who has the heart and soul of a literary genius and we believe that he is very much a large dog trapped in the body of a small dog.  Joey prefers the company of humans to other dogs and would do best in a home as an only dog, or perhaps with one other independent pup.  Joey is likely the Jack Kerouac of the dog world.  He is highly introspective, preferring to be an only dog in a calm and quiet environment (after all, he is planning his next literary masterpiece).  Joey would like a home with very little chaos and a solid routine, as all iconoclast writers do!  Joey likes structure that includes designated areas for sleeping and a regular schedule for walks and feeding.  Can you provide Joey with the space that he needs to develop his next master work?  

Friday, July 25, 2014

Stranger Than FictionStranger Than Fiction by Chuck Palahniuk
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

So, to be fair, some of the stories are a little slow and I think that is mostly because I was disinterested in the subjects, but the biography and autobiography sections of the book by far make up for what is lacking in the initial stories.  I really loved the undercurrent of recurring connections in each story.

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Thursday, July 24, 2014


Buie, Kerri
Still up to go to Auggies?  I can use a walk after all.
9:00 AM
One can really never have too much coffee 9:00 AM
Note:  Next time get iced coffee 9:47 AM
Audette, Geoffrey
Coffee is bitter
9:50 AM
Buie, Kerri
Glad it was not just me 9:50 AM
Maybe pressed would have been better? 9:51 AM
Audette, Geoffrey
don't think it would have helped. it's probably just the ethiopian beans 9:51 AM
I'm bummed out this coffee isn't good. Will give them another shot. Hopefully it's just the type of coffee today. 10:29 AM
Buie, Kerri
I had high hopes. 10:29 AM
Audette, Geoffrey
yeah, me too. And it was freshly brewed 10:30 AM
Buie, Kerri
#firstworldproblems 10:30 AM
Audette, Geoffrey
strong point 10:30 AM

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

A PSA for Men

Dear Men,

While we appreciate that you claim to love our real and curvy bodies when you are happy with us, it follows that you just can't use that same mouth to call us a fatass when you are angry with us and expect that we should be ok with that... because you were angry.


Monday, June 23, 2014

Because it's Godzilla...

Click Here!

I believe...

I Believe... 
That just because two people argue, 
It doesn't mean they don't love each other. 
And just because they don't argue, 
It doesn't mean they do love each other.

I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends if 
We understand that friends change.

I Believe....
That no matter how good a friend is,  they're going to hurt you every once in a while  and you must forgive them for that. 

I Believe...
That true friendship continues to grow, 
even over the longest distance. 
Same goes for true love. 

I Believe... 
That you can do something in an instant 
That will give you heartache for life. 

 I Believe....
That it's taking me a long time 
To become the person I want to be. 

I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with 
Loving words. It may be the last time you see them. 

I Believe.... 
That you can keep going long after you think you can't. 

I Believe....
That we are responsible for what 
We do, no matter how we feel. 

I Believe...
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I Believe. . . That regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I Believe...
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done,  regardless of the consequences.
I Believe. . . That money is a lousy way of keeping score.
 I Believe....
That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time

I Believe....
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down 
will be the ones to help you get back up

I Believe...
That sometimes when I'm angry 
I have the right to be angry,  
But that doesn't give me the right to be cruel. 

I Believe....
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had 
And what you've learned from them and less to do with how many 
birthdays you've celebrated. 

I Believe....
That it isn't always enough, 
to be forgiven by others. 
Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself. 

 I Believe...
That no matter how bad your heart is broken 
the world doesn't stop for your grief. 

 I Believe....
That our background and circumstances 
may have influenced who we are, 
But, we are responsible for who we become.

I Believe...
That you shouldn't be so eager to find 
Out a secret. It could change your life Forever. 

 I Believe....
Two people can look at the exact same thing
and see something totally different. 

I Believe...
That your life can be changed in a matter of hours
by people who don't even know you. 

I Believe...
That even when you think you have no more to give, 
When a friend cries out to you - 
you will find the strength to help. 

I Believe . . . That just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
 I Believe...
That credentials on the wall 
do not make you a decent human being.

I Believe...
That the people you care about most in life 
are taken from you too soon. 

I Believe...
The happiest of people don't necessarily have
the best of everything;
They just make the most of everything they have.


Monday, June 2, 2014

It Must be Nice... change your clothes in front of others. be able be not attracted to the person who has stood by you and given you everything. dislike one part of your body or hair or face in a certain picture. be able to have carte blanche to do or not do whatever you want and let someone else take care of everything else. pick and choose when you want to do whatever you like or show affection whenever it suits you. 

...because I never have a choice. 

My body is always ugly. All of it. That's my fault, I guess. 
My face is never perfect. 
I have to do whatever you decide you don't want to do. Because it has to be done. 

I just wanted to not have to be sorry for my shortcomings and imperfections. I thought that was the point of it all. 

The other girls you're thinking of...  

...they aren't perfect either. Only in your mind. 

Like I was once. 

Oh. I applied for a new job today. Something I am very excited about. But you didn't ask. 

Monday, May 19, 2014

Pictorial review...

Bridget Jones's Diary (Bridget Jones, #1)Bridget Jones's Diary by Helen Fielding
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Honestly, I had high expectations of this book and it just didn't do it for me.  I was ready to roll with a good story about a girl who was just alike all of us deep down, and I just could not connect with Bridget.  I had a few moments of giggles, but I honestly feel like the book encourages the very worst of obsessive female behavior, and while I see that Bridget was supposed to sort of represent 'every woman,' she certainly didn't hit the mark for me.

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The Melancholy Death of Oyster Boy and Other StoriesThe Melancholy Death of Oyster Boy and Other Stories by Tim Burton
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Still gets five stars!!!

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100 Reasons to Love Ryan Gosling100 Reasons to Love Ryan Gosling by Joanna Benecke
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Sure did just read the whole thing while standing in Urban Outfitters.

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Friday, May 16, 2014

Ashley Madison?

Today, I read this article about why people cheat; women specifically.  I was at first so disgusted by the article and its author that I felt physically sick and aching like I had the flu.  I was horrified that a man would willfully manipulate the emotions of women so openly and with such reckless regard to how it might affect them.  I was even more disgusted to read that he conducted his human experiment while married.

The Cliff's Notes version of the article is that the author sets out to discover why women cheat.  He gets permission to do so from his wife.  He admits to a background of womanizing and manipulation of the opposite sex.  He even seems to brag about it.  He joins and sets up three male profiles and one female profile.  He engages in online chats, cybersex and three physical meetings with women.  He explains to great detail his strategic and purposeful manipulation of one woman in particular, to the end that he invites her to a hotel and she accepts.  Note here that he has described how he has read her insecurities and weaknesses and fully admits to exploiting them.  She accepts his invitation, and then he tells her that she is simply a subject of an article he is writing, that he is married and that he loves his wife.  She throws a deserved drink in his face.

The author concludes that woman don't cheat for sex.  Women cheat because they feel ignored, unappreciated, taken for granted.  They don't want a divorce because they truly love their husbands and their kids, but they want the passion that he invested in her before they got married.  His wife ultimately becomes irate with him.  Not because he almost slept with someone, but because he took time out of his schedule to have lunch with these woman, which was something he had not done for her in so long.

I get it.  I do.  Author's point taken, but there is something that I would like to add, which he simply does not address.  Why do the husbands eventually stop acknowledging their partners as women in the first place?  I honestly don't believe that most men realize that they aren't paying any attention to their wives because they simply don't care.  By the time a man marries and 'settles' down (love that phrase), he is already mourning his lost youth, his dreams of rock stardom that won't ever come true and the ability to bag babes with a bat of his lashes.  There is little to no thought of the wife as a person at all because the man is simply so selfish that she isn't really on his radar unless she forgets to wash his socks.  Is it sexist, yes it is.  And it is also true.  Women are getting smarter, stronger and better.  Men are getting more and more insecure as a result of it.  They won't admit it, but it's true.  I see it every day in the workplace and in my own relationships.  Men have political opinions.  They want to talk about politics, until they realize that you can match their wit and knowledge, and then they aren't so keen.  Men only really want to engage with 'the weaker sex,' 'the softer sex.'  They have no interest in a human with a vagina that has needs of their own, unless she can take a full time job stroking their ego and dick at the same time and keeping their mouths shut.

Lots of you aren't going to like this, and I am ok with that.  Most of you are going to know its true.

Monday, May 12, 2014

Mother's Day

I hate it.  So much pressure to post the most loving comments.  So much pressure to give the most thoughtful gift or card.  I resent being forced into appreciating my mom, because even though I love her with all of my heart and soul and could never even begin to thank her or tell her how much I appreciate her, nothing that I could physically give her as a gift would convey how I really feel.  Change your Facebook profile photo to a photo with your mom and that must mean that you are just the best kid ever. *eye roll*  And I know my mom is there watching everyone else's Facebook posts about how much they love their mom and I just don't want to participate, even though I know my non-participation will be construed as a lack of caring.

And what about those who have raised children who are ungrateful, ugly people, despite our best efforts, and don't want the reminder of what a shit experience being a mother turned out to be?  Is there anything more ridiculous and insulting than being shunned or ignored by your own child every single day and then having to endure an entire 24 hours designated for you to be appreciated for your child rearing efforts, only to receive the same thing that you get every other day... ignored.  Only it is worse now because you aren't supposed to be ignored and so you have to sit with the painful reminder that you failed, or they failed, or something failed.

Fuck you Hallmark.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

The Strain (The Strain Trilogy, #1)The Strain by Guillermo del Toro
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Excellent!  Finally, a new and interesting take on the classic vampire genre that doesn't involve romance or emotional angst.  While I didn't really seem to identify or connect with any of the characters, the book was fast paced and read like a movie.  I had a fantastic time imagining the scenes.

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