Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Who are you?
I realize more and more as I look at the people around me that I have no idea who they really are. They do strange things that I don't expect and they say things that are contrary to their actions. When I look in their eyes I don't see the person who I thought was occupying the body. I see someone else. A stranger. An alien. I liked most of them better when I believed that they really were who they said they were and up until the point where I saw their truth.
More alike than different
I've heard it said many times that as human beings, we have more similarities than differences, and that we are all like animals, running the same race and with generally the same goals. Sometimes this is hard for me to understand. I like to stop sometimes and look at the people around me. I am more perplexed by most of them than I care to admit. It's hard for me to believe that they are made from the same 'stuff' that I am at all. This is especially true at work. I work with a few select members of law enforcement and they truly are a breed of their own. They stick together, but I try to see them as individuals, no matter how hard they try to make that. When I've mentally separated them from the rest of their 'pack', I try to imagine them with the same kinds of thoughts, feelings, hopes and fears that I have. It's hard. I can't imagine the machismo filled males around me feeling anything other than brute force or taking anything other than the path of least resistance. They seem so primitive in nature. It's a little frightening. I wonder how they came to be this way. Were they bullied as kids and now have something to prove to the world? What happened to their general feelings of sensitivity and humanity? Do they feel like they have to be super-cop all of the time? I just don't think I will ever understand it.
In other news, although I failed to meet most of my goals this year, I am perilously close to my goal of reading 25 books this year. I am currently at 22 with 23 in the works. I need some super short books to read before the end of the year. I think a friend at work is going to bring Bunnycula for my tomorrow and if I can finish Barrel Fever I just might make it.
In other news, although I failed to meet most of my goals this year, I am perilously close to my goal of reading 25 books this year. I am currently at 22 with 23 in the works. I need some super short books to read before the end of the year. I think a friend at work is going to bring Bunnycula for my tomorrow and if I can finish Barrel Fever I just might make it.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Rrrrrrrrrrrrr
There's something bothering me and I can't put my finger on it. Thanksgiving sucked and I've been under the general feeling that I hate my life lately. Work work work. That's all I can really say about that. Yes, I know I have many things to be thankful for, but if you don't have the time to enjoy them what's the point of having them? Anyway, something has been on my mind lately. I have problems with adult relationships with other women. I usually think it's the other person, but now I am starting to think it's me. That's kind of a lie. I have suspected it to be me for a while now. It started some time after high school. I feel like I just generally drift away from people or find things out about them that I don't like and pull away. Maybe I attract crazy people? It feels like that sometimes. I also often find myself in the position where I am friends with people who often are so busy talking about their own problems that they forget to ask me how I am doing. I notice this. I notice it every time it happens and I start to resent people for it. In fact, I find myself resenting lots of people and it's almost always for the same reasons: Self indulgence and selfishness. I see the irony in that the very existence of this blog is self indulgent, but still... There is one situation in particular that really bothers me. I would really like to find this woman and tell her how she made me feel, not that she really cares. I worked with her at a previous job. She was quite a bit older than I am and she mothered me a lot. At the time, I had a few people in my life to whom I had a strangely maternal relationship with. This woman, we will call her Tulip, intercepted a message I had sent to another coworker, in which I complained about a lady who lived in my apartment complex who was being very overbearing and matronly with me. Tulip took it upon herself to assume this message was about her, print it out and turn it into our boss and complain that I was harassing her. Harassing her? With a message that wasn't for her or about her? Ok. So, I explain to my boss what the message is about, but feel bad because now Tulip thinks I've said this unpleasant thing about her and decide I should try to explain. I see Tulip leave her desk and walk across the office and I get up to follow her. When I am close, I quietly ask her if I can talk to her for a minute. Tulip throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming 'Get away from me! Get away from me! I don't want anything to do with you!' and running away from me. It was as if I had attempted to stab her. The entire office stopped and stared. My boss came around the corner and told me to go back to my desk, as if I had actually done something terribly wrong and deserving of this assault. I was appalled. I think about this situation from time to time. I was mortified by Tulip's behavior and that she could treat someone so poorly who had once been considered a dear friend, and all due to a misunderstanding. It still makes me upset to think about how embarrassed I felt when she yelled at me as if I had been trying to hurt her. I feel like I was traumatized by the experience. I can re-live it in my mind as if it happened yesterday. I wish that Tulip were the only example I had of good friendship's gone bad, but I have quite a few more notches to add to this belt. I've had a veritable parade of women walk through my life: motherers, stalkers, depressives, addicts, indulgents, goths, preps, alcoholics... you name it. You'd think some would have been at least a decent fit. It's depressing to even think about. Maybe my expectations are just too high. Maybe this is why I prefer dogs...
Saturday, November 28, 2009
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