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Monday, November 30, 2009
Rrrrrrrrrrrrr
There's something bothering me and I can't put my finger on it. Thanksgiving sucked and I've been under the general feeling that I hate my life lately. Work work work. That's all I can really say about that. Yes, I know I have many things to be thankful for, but if you don't have the time to enjoy them what's the point of having them? Anyway, something has been on my mind lately. I have problems with adult relationships with other women. I usually think it's the other person, but now I am starting to think it's me. That's kind of a lie. I have suspected it to be me for a while now. It started some time after high school. I feel like I just generally drift away from people or find things out about them that I don't like and pull away. Maybe I attract crazy people? It feels like that sometimes. I also often find myself in the position where I am friends with people who often are so busy talking about their own problems that they forget to ask me how I am doing. I notice this. I notice it every time it happens and I start to resent people for it. In fact, I find myself resenting lots of people and it's almost always for the same reasons: Self indulgence and selfishness. I see the irony in that the very existence of this blog is self indulgent, but still... There is one situation in particular that really bothers me. I would really like to find this woman and tell her how she made me feel, not that she really cares. I worked with her at a previous job. She was quite a bit older than I am and she mothered me a lot. At the time, I had a few people in my life to whom I had a strangely maternal relationship with. This woman, we will call her Tulip, intercepted a message I had sent to another coworker, in which I complained about a lady who lived in my apartment complex who was being very overbearing and matronly with me. Tulip took it upon herself to assume this message was about her, print it out and turn it into our boss and complain that I was harassing her. Harassing her? With a message that wasn't for her or about her? Ok. So, I explain to my boss what the message is about, but feel bad because now Tulip thinks I've said this unpleasant thing about her and decide I should try to explain. I see Tulip leave her desk and walk across the office and I get up to follow her. When I am close, I quietly ask her if I can talk to her for a minute. Tulip throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming 'Get away from me! Get away from me! I don't want anything to do with you!' and running away from me. It was as if I had attempted to stab her. The entire office stopped and stared. My boss came around the corner and told me to go back to my desk, as if I had actually done something terribly wrong and deserving of this assault. I was appalled. I think about this situation from time to time. I was mortified by Tulip's behavior and that she could treat someone so poorly who had once been considered a dear friend, and all due to a misunderstanding. It still makes me upset to think about how embarrassed I felt when she yelled at me as if I had been trying to hurt her. I feel like I was traumatized by the experience. I can re-live it in my mind as if it happened yesterday. I wish that Tulip were the only example I had of good friendship's gone bad, but I have quite a few more notches to add to this belt. I've had a veritable parade of women walk through my life: motherers, stalkers, depressives, addicts, indulgents, goths, preps, alcoholics... you name it. You'd think some would have been at least a decent fit. It's depressing to even think about. Maybe my expectations are just too high. Maybe this is why I prefer dogs...
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Friday, November 27, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
And that is always how the affair starts...
...isn't it? It always starts with those same, fateful words: 'We mostly talked about you. _____ wants meet you.' It's always with the promise that said other pereson is interested in the spouse, wants to meet them etc. And I stand firm to my assertion that a snake must always slither up to its prey before it strikes. Tell me I'm wrong. I dare you. I've heard it before and I'll hear it again, and it is always how the affair starts.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Saturday, November 21, 2009
She's so upset she can't go. She lubs Tosh.0. I know I know. I'm a bad mother. Suck it.
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Monday, November 16, 2009
Ack
Work: There just aren't enough hours in the day, or days in the week. I just had 5 days off of 'work'. By work, I mean my day job. I pounded the proverbial pavement (online, of course) looking for new career opportunities. Things just aren't working for me at my present 'day job' and I need to do something else. After all that has happened here it is a struggle for me to focus on anything. I don't feel like any of the work I do matters to anyone or is useful for anything, and that is just a shitty way to feel. Almost everything I have worked on here has gone by the wayside or just been overlooked. I really need to take things in a new direction. I feel like I am at the crossroads, and I am looking for guidance.
Life: I've been feeling strange over the last few days. I recently pet sat for a friend from whom I have grown distant. The distance was intentional, but still painful. You see, this friend was as close to me as a sister. We did almost everything together, but then something happened and things changed. I started to pull away and in my efforts to put some distance between us, she reacted by trying to hold on tighter to me and that just caused me to want to pull away more. I was very honest with this friend and told her exactly how I felt. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't put the situation behind me that had caused me to doubt her loyalty to me. She was very understanding about my feelings in this matter and respected my boundaries, and yet still, I miss her terribly. Spending so much time at her house, even in her absence, made me wish for the days prior to the 'incident'. I miss her companionship and the closeness that we shared. I think about it so often and wish that I could go back in time. I am sad.
Life: I've been feeling strange over the last few days. I recently pet sat for a friend from whom I have grown distant. The distance was intentional, but still painful. You see, this friend was as close to me as a sister. We did almost everything together, but then something happened and things changed. I started to pull away and in my efforts to put some distance between us, she reacted by trying to hold on tighter to me and that just caused me to want to pull away more. I was very honest with this friend and told her exactly how I felt. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't put the situation behind me that had caused me to doubt her loyalty to me. She was very understanding about my feelings in this matter and respected my boundaries, and yet still, I miss her terribly. Spending so much time at her house, even in her absence, made me wish for the days prior to the 'incident'. I miss her companionship and the closeness that we shared. I think about it so often and wish that I could go back in time. I am sad.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
I only wish my name was half as cool.
http://failblog.org/2009/11/06/epic-fail-name-fail/ 
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Thursday, November 5, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
All over the map
That's me. I can't sit still for long and once I start going, I end up in all of these fragmented little pieces that are all over the place. I need to catch up with myself and reign everything back in. I feel disorganized and that's a very uncomfortable feeling for me. I suppose I had better catch you all up on how I ended up with one foot in every continent.
What's good?
Some of you may already be aware that I am currently in some training programs to facilitate courses for an online university program. This is something that I am so proud of and excited about because I have wanted to do it since I graduated with my MBA myself a few years ago. It's really a perfect position for me for so many reasons. I am a huge proponent of online learning and especially for working adult learners, since that is how I eventually obtained my degrees. It's such a great opportunity and its also hugely symbolic for me in that it proves that I CAN do anything that I set my mind to. It is concrete evidence that having goals and striving to achieve them really works and it makes me feel so good about myself, which is pretty rare. This being said, it is taking up a LOT more time than I thought it would and it's a little scary.
I have begun to get more involved with the Boston Terrier rescue. I have been updating the Facebook page, but now a new challenge has risen. I've been asked to help with the shelter checks. This is what I used to do for the basset rescue, and years ago also for the BT rescue. I was a damn good shelter coordinator. In a four year span I only lost 4 dogs. 3 were to shelter error and one was due to mine. I am still not over that one and so I won't elaborate on that at this time. I have some big reservations about getting more involved. I am not the kind of person that easily sits on the fringe of things and looks onwards. I am aggressive and I don't do anything if I don't do it whole-hearted. I don't know if I have it in me to do the shelter work again. It's very hard and so time consuming. I've mentioned it before that rescue work will suck you in and consume you whole if you let it. I'm pretty comfortable with where I am now, updating the FB page... I just don't know if I can get any further into it and not drown, especially with the new job and all of that. And just to clarify, the teaching position is in addition to my job at the County and my pet sitting business.
What's bad?
I can't honestly say that anything is bad. Go me!
Oh...there is this one thing... I can't seem to be able to focus on any one thing for an extended period of time. It's made it difficult for me to get anything done at work (at my day job). I am constantly worried that I am going to forget something and I can't get anything done.
What just is?
I've got lots on my mind... I feel like there are so many unresolved stuffs just floating around in my head. I've been away from home a lot lately with the pet sitting and it is taking a toll on me. J is still kind of in limbo at the moment, so he has taken on so much of the pet sitting to help out and I am so very grateful to him for that. I don't know what I would do without him. I adore most of my clients and they have great pets and homes for me to stay in, but it's so much harder than you think it is to be away from your own home, family and dogs for so long and on such a regular basis. Sometimes I just don't know if I am coming or going. I am really so thankful for all he has done to make my life easier while he is going to school. He's almost done with bar tending school and he has a job interview tomorrow for his first bar tending job. He's very excited. It's cute to see him happy about something. He finds out if he is a candidate for culinary school next week. I really hope this happens for him. I will keep you all posted.
So my writing has kind of fallen by the wayside, I am sorry to say. I haven't posted an article for The Examiner in ages. Part of this is because my desire to associate myself with the vegan community wanes daily. I've never known such a group of angry, bitter, irrational people before in my life. They are almost as bad as the born agains and they are so close to the problem that they don't see that they are fast becoming a part of it. It's so sad and although I do believe in the vegan cause, I just can't be a part of the negative movement that they are perpetuating. Vegan stuff aside, I haven't done any other kind of writing either. I am so generally overwhelmed by the things I 'have' to do, that everything else just kind of escapes me. I'm not in the 'zone'. I don't feel creative. I mean, I am really not that creative to begin with, so I should clarify by saying that I'm feeling less creative than usual. I want to write more... and I wrote to The Examiner to see if I could change topics, but never heard back. Maybe I should pursue this more aggressively?
On a similar note, the opportunity to be the staff writer for a prominent documentarian has returned. I'm not sure I should mention the who's and what's at this point, but let me say that most of you know who it is and love his first film. I've requested the audio files and need to listen to them (with all of my free time, right?), but this is a undertaking that makes me a little nervous along the same lines as getting more involved with BT rescue. I am so afraid to bury myself under too many projects and leave myself no room to breathe. On the other hand, I am scared to say 'No' and deny myself a fantastic opportunity to work with amazing people on an incredible project. Ack. What to do, what to do?
I'm feeling especially unhealthy lately. I get out of breath quickly and I just feel blah. I really really need to start exercising (again - in all of my free time?). I feel so gross. I know what I need to do to fix the situation, but it is so easy to put myself on the back burner. I guess I just don't see my health as a priority most of the time. Blah.
And as if all of this isn't enough, I have stumbled upon this: NaNoWriMo How awesome is that? I want to join so badly, but again, I am terrified of overwhelming myself more than I already am. Can I commit to 2000 words a day? (The answer is NO!) How do people even do this? Don't people spend years writing their novels? Ack! And yet, I am somehow so drawn to this... What am I thinking? I can't even keep up with the book club I excitedly joined a few months back. Haven't even made it to one meeting or read one of the assigned books! I suck... I truly truly suck... Someone throw me a rope and help me reel myself back in.
What's good?
Some of you may already be aware that I am currently in some training programs to facilitate courses for an online university program. This is something that I am so proud of and excited about because I have wanted to do it since I graduated with my MBA myself a few years ago. It's really a perfect position for me for so many reasons. I am a huge proponent of online learning and especially for working adult learners, since that is how I eventually obtained my degrees. It's such a great opportunity and its also hugely symbolic for me in that it proves that I CAN do anything that I set my mind to. It is concrete evidence that having goals and striving to achieve them really works and it makes me feel so good about myself, which is pretty rare. This being said, it is taking up a LOT more time than I thought it would and it's a little scary.
I have begun to get more involved with the Boston Terrier rescue. I have been updating the Facebook page, but now a new challenge has risen. I've been asked to help with the shelter checks. This is what I used to do for the basset rescue, and years ago also for the BT rescue. I was a damn good shelter coordinator. In a four year span I only lost 4 dogs. 3 were to shelter error and one was due to mine. I am still not over that one and so I won't elaborate on that at this time. I have some big reservations about getting more involved. I am not the kind of person that easily sits on the fringe of things and looks onwards. I am aggressive and I don't do anything if I don't do it whole-hearted. I don't know if I have it in me to do the shelter work again. It's very hard and so time consuming. I've mentioned it before that rescue work will suck you in and consume you whole if you let it. I'm pretty comfortable with where I am now, updating the FB page... I just don't know if I can get any further into it and not drown, especially with the new job and all of that. And just to clarify, the teaching position is in addition to my job at the County and my pet sitting business.
What's bad?
I can't honestly say that anything is bad. Go me!
Oh...there is this one thing... I can't seem to be able to focus on any one thing for an extended period of time. It's made it difficult for me to get anything done at work (at my day job). I am constantly worried that I am going to forget something and I can't get anything done.
What just is?
I've got lots on my mind... I feel like there are so many unresolved stuffs just floating around in my head. I've been away from home a lot lately with the pet sitting and it is taking a toll on me. J is still kind of in limbo at the moment, so he has taken on so much of the pet sitting to help out and I am so very grateful to him for that. I don't know what I would do without him. I adore most of my clients and they have great pets and homes for me to stay in, but it's so much harder than you think it is to be away from your own home, family and dogs for so long and on such a regular basis. Sometimes I just don't know if I am coming or going. I am really so thankful for all he has done to make my life easier while he is going to school. He's almost done with bar tending school and he has a job interview tomorrow for his first bar tending job. He's very excited. It's cute to see him happy about something. He finds out if he is a candidate for culinary school next week. I really hope this happens for him. I will keep you all posted.
So my writing has kind of fallen by the wayside, I am sorry to say. I haven't posted an article for The Examiner in ages. Part of this is because my desire to associate myself with the vegan community wanes daily. I've never known such a group of angry, bitter, irrational people before in my life. They are almost as bad as the born agains and they are so close to the problem that they don't see that they are fast becoming a part of it. It's so sad and although I do believe in the vegan cause, I just can't be a part of the negative movement that they are perpetuating. Vegan stuff aside, I haven't done any other kind of writing either. I am so generally overwhelmed by the things I 'have' to do, that everything else just kind of escapes me. I'm not in the 'zone'. I don't feel creative. I mean, I am really not that creative to begin with, so I should clarify by saying that I'm feeling less creative than usual. I want to write more... and I wrote to The Examiner to see if I could change topics, but never heard back. Maybe I should pursue this more aggressively?
On a similar note, the opportunity to be the staff writer for a prominent documentarian has returned. I'm not sure I should mention the who's and what's at this point, but let me say that most of you know who it is and love his first film. I've requested the audio files and need to listen to them (with all of my free time, right?), but this is a undertaking that makes me a little nervous along the same lines as getting more involved with BT rescue. I am so afraid to bury myself under too many projects and leave myself no room to breathe. On the other hand, I am scared to say 'No' and deny myself a fantastic opportunity to work with amazing people on an incredible project. Ack. What to do, what to do?
I'm feeling especially unhealthy lately. I get out of breath quickly and I just feel blah. I really really need to start exercising (again - in all of my free time?). I feel so gross. I know what I need to do to fix the situation, but it is so easy to put myself on the back burner. I guess I just don't see my health as a priority most of the time. Blah.
And as if all of this isn't enough, I have stumbled upon this: NaNoWriMo How awesome is that? I want to join so badly, but again, I am terrified of overwhelming myself more than I already am. Can I commit to 2000 words a day? (The answer is NO!) How do people even do this? Don't people spend years writing their novels? Ack! And yet, I am somehow so drawn to this... What am I thinking? I can't even keep up with the book club I excitedly joined a few months back. Haven't even made it to one meeting or read one of the assigned books! I suck... I truly truly suck... Someone throw me a rope and help me reel myself back in.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
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