...the riot in my heart...
Just a girl, navigating this whole, wide world with a boy...six dogs and a pig....
Thursday, October 30, 2014
What If? ~ Jennifer Zang
I stay, pretending I am not crumbling inside? That with each passing day I decide to start loving myself as much as I love you?
I begin listening to my barely audible, quivering inner voice.
I stay, using the pain as a secret ingredient, creating a concoction, sustaining both of our souls.
While lost in my crafts, I discover a hidden map in the landscape of the photography or a cryptic message between the lines of my erratic writings. The mystery of finding us again is solved.
I share a soliloquy with friends, portraying our struggles in the eloquence of a fleeting summer rainstorm.
We lean into each other as angry thunder erupts from our souls, holding a space to be heard and loved.
I know all of this is a maze of lies. Intricately designed twists, blind alleys and turns. I am unable to find the path leading to the outside.
So I stay.
Or rather, some form of me stays. A foreign being with a sealed door to her heart, the light within extinguished. A stranger to both of us.
Somehow you know the way out. Or maybe, the truth is, you never walked on a path with me. You remained on the outside.
So you leave.
I am stuck… with me, this foreign being, this stranger. And a growing collection of, “What if?”
I am running to the past, trying to recapture time. In the darkness, I stumble. Falling to my knees.
I am too tired to stand. Too tired to cry. Too fired to fight.
In the darkness, a soothing sound washes over me. My inner voice gently shares…
You let go of the questions from the past, the illusion of going back in time to change the outcome.
You quit running, trying to block the pain. Embrace it. Accept it as part of your journey.
You allow yourself to drop into this moment. Stand in your own truth, even if it feels messy and ugly. Drop the judgment, the fear. Open the door to your heart, inviting in the unknown.
You realize in this moment, in every moment, you are enough. Release the thoughts of inferiority hindering you from moving forward with your life purpose.
Pain is replaced with the love of forgiveness.
Forgiveness for him.
Forgiveness for me.
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