The thing is; I am just doing the best I can.  And sometimes I know that isn't good enough.  But it is the best I can do.  And I know that everyone leaves and that the people closest to me really do not love me and that sometimes I just can't breath.  When I can breath, sometimes I can't feel anymore.

Day 23: Because nobody cares anyway

Home

I want to go home, she thought, while she was sitting right there inside of the brick walls where she lays her head to sleep every night.

Noodley

The spaghetti brain is back.  So many thoughts, in a pile, interwoven.  Happy.  Sad.  Frantic.  Peaceful.  Restless.  All at the same time.  Is it the depression?  I just don't know.  Sometimes it feels like the world is just too much.  Too beautiful.  Too tragic.  I feel to perfect.  And too broken.  I think about Jade so much and I feel anger and sadness and fear and anxiety.  I feel unloveable.  Ugly.  Used.  It is hard to do the right thing.  It is hard to suppress anger.  Frustration.  Confusion.  It is hard to live in a world with so many billions of people and feel so alone.  Solitary.  Misunderstood.

"You live down to expectations."  Chuck Palahniuk

But I don't...

It takes every ounce of energy I have to hold up the mask and I'm getting very very tired.

I can't stand to be alone.  I can't stand to be around people.  I can't stand.