Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Thursday, February 19, 2015
She fell
She watched as it all fell away from her. Her life. Her loves. Her feelings. Her hopes. Hope was a bane to her existence. Her friends said she wasn't the same. She wasn't. Her dad was sick and her mother was lonely and she felt like no matter how hard she tried, she could never ever possibly be enough. Her husband and daughter looked upon her with shame and embarrassment. She folded into herself more and more. It was the only place that was safe. Away from shame. And yet she felt an oppressive sense of guilt over her withdrawal. She felt that she was only failing more and that continuing to fail was the only option for her survival. And the only thing she was good at was failing. She fell and she watched herself closing up. And she eventually disappeared.
She saw the death of love and people
She was just looking for some peace in another long day of turmoil, rejection and frustration. She lived in a house where the walls were made of disappointment and the air in the house was heavy with disdain. She wanted some space from it all. The house was starting to feel like the holding cell that they keep you in before they take you to the asylum. She decided she would run. That would help to get her out into the world and into nature, there was a community bookshelf on the route that would make her insanely happy and she could channel some of her anxious energy.
He insisted he would go. She protested. Running was a solo activity... kind of like life, she supposed. But she acquiesced because she really wanted things to be good and they got in the car. They didn't make it three blocks until he wanted to know which way they were going, which seemed fair. Straight and then left, she replied. And then which way were they going, he asked. Park on St Lawrence, she replied. He asked what was wrong with her. Why was she irritated. He was asking which way they were going to walk. She told him that she didn't know. She thought it was another question about general direction since there hadn't been any mention of the context of the question changing. Arguing ensued. Loud voices. Hurtful, hateful words. He turned the car around and he put in his earphones so he could shut her out. He slammed on the brakes in the car on an empty road while going 40 miles an hour. She was thrown forward and afraid. She asked to be let out of the car and he yelled at her to get away from him, over and over. She was terrified and at the next stoplight, she exited the vehicle and started walking to her original destination.
He continued on his journey and she continued on hers. She tried to call him and tell him she was scared and he said she was a liar. She walked. And then she ran. She listened to sad songs, but she also reveled in being able to listen to them as she had been mocked and shamed for them before. She knew that they both hated her. She knew it with all of her heart that they hated her with all of their hearts. She knew that every breath she took was a blemish on their happiness.
She ran. She walked. She sang. She cried. Horrible things were sent by text. Lies were spoken. He said. She said. And she walked and she ran. She was alone in the dark and she was both terrified and relieved. She sat and wondered how things had come to this. She cried and she cried and she ran. She watched every car that drove by, and there were many. She hoped he cared enough not to leave her out in the dark, but that was her problem.... the hoping. She became increasingly unhinged, angry with herself and prayed to nothing that she would just disappear. Cease to be. And she walked and she ran.
He was home. Making dinner for his family of two. He sent messages with feigned language of care. She replied angrily. And she walked. He had left her. Abandoned her. Physically. She prayed to nothing again for another life. A life where she wasn't a liar and a nigger and Gone Girl. But he insisted she deserved all of that because he had been provoked by the storms in her heart. She walked. Miles passed and eventually, out of guilt or whatever, he came for her. He pretended not to know where to go. She didn't believe him. She was the kind of girl who was always where she said she was. She was not Gone Girl. She walked. He arrived after 4.4 miles of darkness and she climbed into the car.
She walked into the house and was strangled by the hate and despair that hung heavy in the air. She went to the garage where she had slept the weekend before and she sat. She sat and she read. She was cold and sore. She was emotionally and physically wrought. She surrendered and went in the house, overwhelmed as she moved through the space where she didn't belong. She sat and she read. And then she slept.
The sleep was ugly. She dreamed of death of love and people. She had fits. She cried. She threw up and she saw the death of love and people.
He insisted he would go. She protested. Running was a solo activity... kind of like life, she supposed. But she acquiesced because she really wanted things to be good and they got in the car. They didn't make it three blocks until he wanted to know which way they were going, which seemed fair. Straight and then left, she replied. And then which way were they going, he asked. Park on St Lawrence, she replied. He asked what was wrong with her. Why was she irritated. He was asking which way they were going to walk. She told him that she didn't know. She thought it was another question about general direction since there hadn't been any mention of the context of the question changing. Arguing ensued. Loud voices. Hurtful, hateful words. He turned the car around and he put in his earphones so he could shut her out. He slammed on the brakes in the car on an empty road while going 40 miles an hour. She was thrown forward and afraid. She asked to be let out of the car and he yelled at her to get away from him, over and over. She was terrified and at the next stoplight, she exited the vehicle and started walking to her original destination.
He continued on his journey and she continued on hers. She tried to call him and tell him she was scared and he said she was a liar. She walked. And then she ran. She listened to sad songs, but she also reveled in being able to listen to them as she had been mocked and shamed for them before. She knew that they both hated her. She knew it with all of her heart that they hated her with all of their hearts. She knew that every breath she took was a blemish on their happiness.
She ran. She walked. She sang. She cried. Horrible things were sent by text. Lies were spoken. He said. She said. And she walked and she ran. She was alone in the dark and she was both terrified and relieved. She sat and wondered how things had come to this. She cried and she cried and she ran. She watched every car that drove by, and there were many. She hoped he cared enough not to leave her out in the dark, but that was her problem.... the hoping. She became increasingly unhinged, angry with herself and prayed to nothing that she would just disappear. Cease to be. And she walked and she ran.
He was home. Making dinner for his family of two. He sent messages with feigned language of care. She replied angrily. And she walked. He had left her. Abandoned her. Physically. She prayed to nothing again for another life. A life where she wasn't a liar and a nigger and Gone Girl. But he insisted she deserved all of that because he had been provoked by the storms in her heart. She walked. Miles passed and eventually, out of guilt or whatever, he came for her. He pretended not to know where to go. She didn't believe him. She was the kind of girl who was always where she said she was. She was not Gone Girl. She walked. He arrived after 4.4 miles of darkness and she climbed into the car.
She walked into the house and was strangled by the hate and despair that hung heavy in the air. She went to the garage where she had slept the weekend before and she sat. She sat and she read. She was cold and sore. She was emotionally and physically wrought. She surrendered and went in the house, overwhelmed as she moved through the space where she didn't belong. She sat and she read. And then she slept.
The sleep was ugly. She dreamed of death of love and people. She had fits. She cried. She threw up and she saw the death of love and people.
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
Saturday, February 14, 2015
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema ChödrönMy rating: 5 of 5 stars
Simply and brilliantly written. Fail gently my friends.
View all my reviews
Monday, February 2, 2015
Elephant Journal: This is how to love a Leo
By: Bryonie Wise
To love a Leo—madly, truly, deeply—takes one hell of a determined heart, for she is as wild as they come.
In her commitment to ever-evolving and ever-transforming her self and this world we live in, she will push and pull—she understands that any life worth living well must be built on a solid foundation of truth and so to love a Leo, the beating in your chest must be strong and you must know how to root down and stand your ground.
Her ways, which she learns as she goes, will shake the dust until everything that does not belong falls away—and at times, this might mean she pushes you away, too.
As fierce as she is, hidden in her heart of hearts is a too-big doubt that she can be loved completely and so be prepared for her to bare her teeth if you get too close to the place where she hides her fear; this is both a test of your intention and a way to keep her sacred heart safe, for to love Leo, you must love all of her and the most-vulnerable parts you must love most of all.
There will be moments when the need to race through the jungle (or around the world) takes over and she will bolt, with no explanation (she will try to her best to tell you why, but how a Leo lives is through feeling and even though words are a part of her craft, in these instances, her wildness can find none); and so she will go, her mane flowing behind her, soaking life in through all of her senses for she must do in order to understand how life works—and when you find yourself feeling forgotten, her heart will beg you to be patient, for she will return to you as soon as she can, panting and heart pounding, full of all she has learned.
(A Leo is loyal and understands that before she can show up for the one she loves, she must first learn how to show up for herself and it is through this strengthen of will and compassion that she asks you to invest your trust in her; for while her heart holds love for all beings, the kind she has for you will move mountains and light all the stars in the sky.)
She needs this freedom to feed her creativity and she will look at you with her knowing eyes to see if you see it all, too, for because she is who is she is, she will want you to be who you are, too—nothing more, nothing less.
She knows the unsaid things—the ones we hold onto as our mouths move and the opposite words fall from our lips, instead; she will often get alarmingly still and this is because she needs to in order to hear it all. In the hush, she will gather information and file it away, for if a Leo is anything she is organized and everything has a place (and there is even a place for things-that-don’t-have-a-place).
To love a Leo, understand that her lair must be in order before she can do anything; her mind is the largest of libraries, for she is of this world and many others, and there is always work and learning to be done. (In fact, it’s likely that if find yourself in love with such a creature, your brain might roar at an incredible volume, too, for this is one of the locks your key must slip into in order for you to be an imperfect-perfect match.)
Before she can settle her attention on you fully, everything must be in place and then she will curl up, serene and surrounded by her furry beasts, for she speaks all tongues—and maybe, if the day is slow and the moon just right, she will purr as she waits for you to crack your chest open and show her your raw, beating heart.
(The idea of this might make you recoil, but please know that she has made it her practice to spill open—and so while she doesn’t expect you to make it yours too, there is a certain kind of give and take that offers balance to every union. So, from time-to-time, honor her—and more importantly, you. Show her that thing about you that you’ve taught yourself to hide away, for I can promise you that a Leo will not shy away and she knows in every stitch of her bones how to love like the ocean.)
She will transform what she has learned in these moments of deep listening into wisdom, and as she gets older, she will learn how to rule herself accordingly. It is likely that on her path, this one that has no footsteps to follow; the one she designed for herself back before the start of time, that she will fail many, many times. She will be uncomfortable in her impatience and when you stop by for a visit one night, you may well find her in pieces on the kitchen floor, her body not able to lie or to hold it all in, tears and snot running down her face—and here is where you will witness the strength that vulnerability brings.
(A Leo has shown you everything in this moment, for that is what she is here to do. She will stay there, and ask you to stay with her, until it is time to pick herself up, again. Your presence will fill her heart with gratitude, and she may even slide her hand into yours, or lay her head on your shoulder, and let out a mighty sigh—she is shy when it comes to this sort of thing—accepting the support she so desperately craves and fears, so let it unfold, slowly and carefully.)
You will hear rumors about the lioness you have your eye on; they will say that she likes to be the center of attention and that she demands riches and gold. They will say a Leo is happiest with the weight of ten thousand jewels around her neck and that her ego rules her heart—and they will tell you that this feline is proud and does not like to be reckoned with.
In everything, there is a grain of truth; trust that the one you love is as rare as they come; her heart rules all and so that this can’t be argued with, she will wear it, without apology, on her sleeve.
She will yearn not for a castle on a hilltop, but for a cabin in the woods, so that she can sit by the river that runs through the land and listen to the lessons the four directions has to share. She will bow down and touch her forehead to the ground often, in an act of reverence, gratitude and prayer—and she will understand that the breeze that whistles through treetops carries with it messages meant just for her.
She will need just-enough to sustain a simple life, for a Leo knows that richness lies in the slow, humble moments of laughter and figuring it out, together. She will feel like royalty if you return from a walk in the woods with a handful of wild flowers and if you take her on a date to gaze at the stars, she will devote her heart to you, and you alone.
She plays battle with her ego and with the years marking themselves on her body as time often does, she has learned how to tango with the righteous voice that can sometimes fight to be heard.
A Leo is prideful—yes—let not that pride be mistaken for anything other than the highest form of integrity; she will prefer quiet nights in to loud nights out and she will be happiest curled up with a book, for within the pages lies where her life began.
A Leo will make things with every blink of her eye and every pound of her heart, for she thrives on seeing the harmony of elements meeting and falling in love—and she will want you to find new ways to keep her falling in love with you, too.
She is stubborn—but she is kind and her compassion reaches to the far corners of the earth. In her heart, she holds it all; the joy and the sorrow, the laughter and the tears. As much as she wants you to wrap your arms around her and be held, she also needs long moments to hold herself, for a Leo feels so deeply at times she wonders if it is a blessing or a curse.
So to love a Leo, you must first love yourself; let the space in your togetherness be like the sea and in her rhythm, you will learn the meaning of a heart roar.
In her commitment to ever-evolving and ever-transforming her self and this world we live in, she will push and pull—she understands that any life worth living well must be built on a solid foundation of truth and so to love a Leo, the beating in your chest must be strong and you must know how to root down and stand your ground.
Her ways, which she learns as she goes, will shake the dust until everything that does not belong falls away—and at times, this might mean she pushes you away, too.
As fierce as she is, hidden in her heart of hearts is a too-big doubt that she can be loved completely and so be prepared for her to bare her teeth if you get too close to the place where she hides her fear; this is both a test of your intention and a way to keep her sacred heart safe, for to love Leo, you must love all of her and the most-vulnerable parts you must love most of all.
There will be moments when the need to race through the jungle (or around the world) takes over and she will bolt, with no explanation (she will try to her best to tell you why, but how a Leo lives is through feeling and even though words are a part of her craft, in these instances, her wildness can find none); and so she will go, her mane flowing behind her, soaking life in through all of her senses for she must do in order to understand how life works—and when you find yourself feeling forgotten, her heart will beg you to be patient, for she will return to you as soon as she can, panting and heart pounding, full of all she has learned.
(A Leo is loyal and understands that before she can show up for the one she loves, she must first learn how to show up for herself and it is through this strengthen of will and compassion that she asks you to invest your trust in her; for while her heart holds love for all beings, the kind she has for you will move mountains and light all the stars in the sky.)
She needs this freedom to feed her creativity and she will look at you with her knowing eyes to see if you see it all, too, for because she is who is she is, she will want you to be who you are, too—nothing more, nothing less.
She knows the unsaid things—the ones we hold onto as our mouths move and the opposite words fall from our lips, instead; she will often get alarmingly still and this is because she needs to in order to hear it all. In the hush, she will gather information and file it away, for if a Leo is anything she is organized and everything has a place (and there is even a place for things-that-don’t-have-a-place).
To love a Leo, understand that her lair must be in order before she can do anything; her mind is the largest of libraries, for she is of this world and many others, and there is always work and learning to be done. (In fact, it’s likely that if find yourself in love with such a creature, your brain might roar at an incredible volume, too, for this is one of the locks your key must slip into in order for you to be an imperfect-perfect match.)
Before she can settle her attention on you fully, everything must be in place and then she will curl up, serene and surrounded by her furry beasts, for she speaks all tongues—and maybe, if the day is slow and the moon just right, she will purr as she waits for you to crack your chest open and show her your raw, beating heart.
(The idea of this might make you recoil, but please know that she has made it her practice to spill open—and so while she doesn’t expect you to make it yours too, there is a certain kind of give and take that offers balance to every union. So, from time-to-time, honor her—and more importantly, you. Show her that thing about you that you’ve taught yourself to hide away, for I can promise you that a Leo will not shy away and she knows in every stitch of her bones how to love like the ocean.)
She will transform what she has learned in these moments of deep listening into wisdom, and as she gets older, she will learn how to rule herself accordingly. It is likely that on her path, this one that has no footsteps to follow; the one she designed for herself back before the start of time, that she will fail many, many times. She will be uncomfortable in her impatience and when you stop by for a visit one night, you may well find her in pieces on the kitchen floor, her body not able to lie or to hold it all in, tears and snot running down her face—and here is where you will witness the strength that vulnerability brings.
(A Leo has shown you everything in this moment, for that is what she is here to do. She will stay there, and ask you to stay with her, until it is time to pick herself up, again. Your presence will fill her heart with gratitude, and she may even slide her hand into yours, or lay her head on your shoulder, and let out a mighty sigh—she is shy when it comes to this sort of thing—accepting the support she so desperately craves and fears, so let it unfold, slowly and carefully.)
You will hear rumors about the lioness you have your eye on; they will say that she likes to be the center of attention and that she demands riches and gold. They will say a Leo is happiest with the weight of ten thousand jewels around her neck and that her ego rules her heart—and they will tell you that this feline is proud and does not like to be reckoned with.
In everything, there is a grain of truth; trust that the one you love is as rare as they come; her heart rules all and so that this can’t be argued with, she will wear it, without apology, on her sleeve.
She will yearn not for a castle on a hilltop, but for a cabin in the woods, so that she can sit by the river that runs through the land and listen to the lessons the four directions has to share. She will bow down and touch her forehead to the ground often, in an act of reverence, gratitude and prayer—and she will understand that the breeze that whistles through treetops carries with it messages meant just for her.
She will need just-enough to sustain a simple life, for a Leo knows that richness lies in the slow, humble moments of laughter and figuring it out, together. She will feel like royalty if you return from a walk in the woods with a handful of wild flowers and if you take her on a date to gaze at the stars, she will devote her heart to you, and you alone.
She plays battle with her ego and with the years marking themselves on her body as time often does, she has learned how to tango with the righteous voice that can sometimes fight to be heard.
A Leo is prideful—yes—let not that pride be mistaken for anything other than the highest form of integrity; she will prefer quiet nights in to loud nights out and she will be happiest curled up with a book, for within the pages lies where her life began.
A Leo will make things with every blink of her eye and every pound of her heart, for she thrives on seeing the harmony of elements meeting and falling in love—and she will want you to find new ways to keep her falling in love with you, too.
She is stubborn—but she is kind and her compassion reaches to the far corners of the earth. In her heart, she holds it all; the joy and the sorrow, the laughter and the tears. As much as she wants you to wrap your arms around her and be held, she also needs long moments to hold herself, for a Leo feels so deeply at times she wonders if it is a blessing or a curse.
So to love a Leo, you must first love yourself; let the space in your togetherness be like the sea and in her rhythm, you will learn the meaning of a heart roar.
Monday, January 12, 2015
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Empath
Next time I cry,
Next time I scream
Hold me close,
Please don’t leave.
Just keep me open,
So I can bleed.
~ Rebecca Lammerson
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Shadows
I keep reading about men who age and become shadows of their former selves.
He's never been the shadow of anything.
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Thursday, August 14, 2014
My husband...
Good morning my love. Something has been weighing so heavy on my heart for the last few days and I need to talk to you about it. I am truly and deeply sorry to you that I, your wife, was not there for you and as supportive of you as I should have been over the last months, but especially when you felt alone and needed me the most. I was too angry and too resentful to be able to forgive you and love you the way you deserved to be loved and cared for. And I am so ashamed and so sorry for that. I could offer a million excuses to you for my responses, but none of them really matter. The only thing that matters was that you needed me and you deserved more from me than I gave. And I can't possibly tell you how sorry and regretful I am that I was not the person I should have been for you. It breaks my heart that I let you down. I need you to know that this is not a small thing to me and that I will do every single thing I can to make it up to you. I love you so much I can't possibly tell you how sad I am that we have lost so much time to trivialities. I am so lucky to have you in my life. You are such a beautiful blessing to me.
Monday, June 23, 2014
I believe...
I Believe...
That just because two people argue,
It doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue,
It doesn't mean they do love each other.
I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends if
We understand that friends change.
I Believe....
That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I Believe...
That true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.
I Believe...
That you can do something in an instant
That will give you heartache for life.
I Believe....
That it's taking me a long time
To become the person I want to be.
I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with
Loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I Believe....
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I Believe....
That we are responsible for what
We do, no matter how we feel.
I Believe...
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I Believe. . . That regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.
I Believe...
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I Believe. . . That money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I Believe....
That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I Believe....
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down
will be the ones to help you get back up.
I Believe...
That sometimes when I'm angry
I have the right to be angry,
But that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I Believe....
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had
And what you've learned from them and less to do with how many
birthdays you've celebrated.
I Believe....
That it isn't always enough,
to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I Believe...
That no matter how bad your heart is broken
the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I Believe....
That our background and circumstances
may have influenced who we are,
But, we are responsible for who we become.
I Believe...
That you shouldn't be so eager to find
Out a secret. It could change your life Forever.
I Believe....
Two people can look at the exact same thing
and see something totally different.
I Believe...
That your life can be changed in a matter of hours
by people who don't even know you.
I Believe...
That even when you think you have no more to give,
When a friend cries out to you -
you will find the strength to help.
I Believe . . . That just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I Believe...
That credentials on the wall
do not make you a decent human being.
I Believe...
That the people you care about most in life
are taken from you too soon.
I Believe...
The happiest of people don't necessarily have
the best of everything;
They just make the most of everything they have.
-Unknown
Friday, May 16, 2014
Ashley Madison?
Today, I read this article about why people cheat; women specifically. I was at first so disgusted by the article and its author that I felt physically sick and aching like I had the flu. I was horrified that a man would willfully manipulate the emotions of women so openly and with such reckless regard to how it might affect them. I was even more disgusted to read that he conducted his human experiment while married.
The Cliff's Notes version of the article is that the author sets out to discover why women cheat. He gets permission to do so from his wife. He admits to a background of womanizing and manipulation of the opposite sex. He even seems to brag about it. He joins AshleyMadison.com and sets up three male profiles and one female profile. He engages in online chats, cybersex and three physical meetings with women. He explains to great detail his strategic and purposeful manipulation of one woman in particular, to the end that he invites her to a hotel and she accepts. Note here that he has described how he has read her insecurities and weaknesses and fully admits to exploiting them. She accepts his invitation, and then he tells her that she is simply a subject of an article he is writing, that he is married and that he loves his wife. She throws a deserved drink in his face.
The author concludes that woman don't cheat for sex. Women cheat because they feel ignored, unappreciated, taken for granted. They don't want a divorce because they truly love their husbands and their kids, but they want the passion that he invested in her before they got married. His wife ultimately becomes irate with him. Not because he almost slept with someone, but because he took time out of his schedule to have lunch with these woman, which was something he had not done for her in so long.
I get it. I do. Author's point taken, but there is something that I would like to add, which he simply does not address. Why do the husbands eventually stop acknowledging their partners as women in the first place? I honestly don't believe that most men realize that they aren't paying any attention to their wives because they simply don't care. By the time a man marries and 'settles' down (love that phrase), he is already mourning his lost youth, his dreams of rock stardom that won't ever come true and the ability to bag babes with a bat of his lashes. There is little to no thought of the wife as a person at all because the man is simply so selfish that she isn't really on his radar unless she forgets to wash his socks. Is it sexist, yes it is. And it is also true. Women are getting smarter, stronger and better. Men are getting more and more insecure as a result of it. They won't admit it, but it's true. I see it every day in the workplace and in my own relationships. Men have political opinions. They want to talk about politics, until they realize that you can match their wit and knowledge, and then they aren't so keen. Men only really want to engage with 'the weaker sex,' 'the softer sex.' They have no interest in a human with a vagina that has needs of their own, unless she can take a full time job stroking their ego and dick at the same time and keeping their mouths shut.
Lots of you aren't going to like this, and I am ok with that. Most of you are going to know its true.
The Cliff's Notes version of the article is that the author sets out to discover why women cheat. He gets permission to do so from his wife. He admits to a background of womanizing and manipulation of the opposite sex. He even seems to brag about it. He joins AshleyMadison.com and sets up three male profiles and one female profile. He engages in online chats, cybersex and three physical meetings with women. He explains to great detail his strategic and purposeful manipulation of one woman in particular, to the end that he invites her to a hotel and she accepts. Note here that he has described how he has read her insecurities and weaknesses and fully admits to exploiting them. She accepts his invitation, and then he tells her that she is simply a subject of an article he is writing, that he is married and that he loves his wife. She throws a deserved drink in his face.
The author concludes that woman don't cheat for sex. Women cheat because they feel ignored, unappreciated, taken for granted. They don't want a divorce because they truly love their husbands and their kids, but they want the passion that he invested in her before they got married. His wife ultimately becomes irate with him. Not because he almost slept with someone, but because he took time out of his schedule to have lunch with these woman, which was something he had not done for her in so long.
I get it. I do. Author's point taken, but there is something that I would like to add, which he simply does not address. Why do the husbands eventually stop acknowledging their partners as women in the first place? I honestly don't believe that most men realize that they aren't paying any attention to their wives because they simply don't care. By the time a man marries and 'settles' down (love that phrase), he is already mourning his lost youth, his dreams of rock stardom that won't ever come true and the ability to bag babes with a bat of his lashes. There is little to no thought of the wife as a person at all because the man is simply so selfish that she isn't really on his radar unless she forgets to wash his socks. Is it sexist, yes it is. And it is also true. Women are getting smarter, stronger and better. Men are getting more and more insecure as a result of it. They won't admit it, but it's true. I see it every day in the workplace and in my own relationships. Men have political opinions. They want to talk about politics, until they realize that you can match their wit and knowledge, and then they aren't so keen. Men only really want to engage with 'the weaker sex,' 'the softer sex.' They have no interest in a human with a vagina that has needs of their own, unless she can take a full time job stroking their ego and dick at the same time and keeping their mouths shut.
Lots of you aren't going to like this, and I am ok with that. Most of you are going to know its true.
Monday, March 3, 2014
Til Death Do Us Part...
I have made vows to a beloved twice in my short life. The first time, they were the standard, by the book vows. The second time, they were modified in accordance with our Reverend's personal style and with our input, and they were beautiful. I don't have any regrets about the promises I that I made to myself or to the men I loved. But one thing lays heavy on my heart and mind lately and that is that I never promised either of them that I would be perfect. How could I? How could anyone?
The thing is, I am a bigger critic of my flaws than anyone. And I make mistakes. Big ones. Alcohol induced tirades and stress triggered breakdowns are my specialties. They are two of the things that I am the best at in the whole world. I'm not proud of this. But this is my truth. If I could make a career out of alienating the people who care about me, I could live forever wealthy. I have fought hard against forgiveness in moments when I felt that deserved to be punished. Those moments are plentiful. But, every now and again, I have notions that I do deserve to be loved, completely and unconditionally. I think about the vows I made. I look for implied promises for perfection and I find none. And I wonder if all of my wishing for punishment and reprimand has come irreversibly true and I wonder... is this all there is?
I've been trying really hard lately to focus on myself and to take care of what I need to take care of, regardless of who might be around me. I try to think about things in a different way, so as not to place any expectations on others and therefore breed disappointment when what I think should have happened, doesn't happen. But I want more. I try to be better every day and sometimes I fail. I don't even want to be perfect. I don't want to be a simple and convenient accessory. I want to be a treasure.
The thing is, I am a bigger critic of my flaws than anyone. And I make mistakes. Big ones. Alcohol induced tirades and stress triggered breakdowns are my specialties. They are two of the things that I am the best at in the whole world. I'm not proud of this. But this is my truth. If I could make a career out of alienating the people who care about me, I could live forever wealthy. I have fought hard against forgiveness in moments when I felt that deserved to be punished. Those moments are plentiful. But, every now and again, I have notions that I do deserve to be loved, completely and unconditionally. I think about the vows I made. I look for implied promises for perfection and I find none. And I wonder if all of my wishing for punishment and reprimand has come irreversibly true and I wonder... is this all there is?
I've been trying really hard lately to focus on myself and to take care of what I need to take care of, regardless of who might be around me. I try to think about things in a different way, so as not to place any expectations on others and therefore breed disappointment when what I think should have happened, doesn't happen. But I want more. I try to be better every day and sometimes I fail. I don't even want to be perfect. I don't want to be a simple and convenient accessory. I want to be a treasure.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Regret...
It is one of my least favorite words. I hate having regrets. I always promise myself that I will do my best not to have any, but in this human experience, sometimes it just can't be helped. We are emotional and sometimes irrational animals, fumbling through this world one precarious step at a time. Sometimes we fall off the edge. Sometimes we throw ourselves off.
I think what I am most afraid of is not having enough moments. Or that because of moments past, that if this chain of moments were to suddenly come to an end, that others wouldn't understand the gravity of the moments past and they would say things that they needed to say so that they could rationalize things to themselves, but those things wouldn't be true. And like so many other things, a certain story would be told about those moments that were a fiction. And the truth about the moments would be lost forever.
The truth is that I loved with a stumbling, raging passion that was nonsense and madness. The way love is sometimes. And even though the chain of moments were imperfect, nothing was perfect, and they just were what they were. I wouldn't have traded any one of them for any other experience.
Unraveling.
I think what I am most afraid of is not having enough moments. Or that because of moments past, that if this chain of moments were to suddenly come to an end, that others wouldn't understand the gravity of the moments past and they would say things that they needed to say so that they could rationalize things to themselves, but those things wouldn't be true. And like so many other things, a certain story would be told about those moments that were a fiction. And the truth about the moments would be lost forever.
The truth is that I loved with a stumbling, raging passion that was nonsense and madness. The way love is sometimes. And even though the chain of moments were imperfect, nothing was perfect, and they just were what they were. I wouldn't have traded any one of them for any other experience.
Unraveling.
Monday, February 3, 2014
But I don't...
It takes every ounce of energy I have to hold up the mask and I'm getting very very tired.
I can't stand to be alone. I can't stand to be around people. I can't stand.
I can't stand to be alone. I can't stand to be around people. I can't stand.
Sunday, February 2, 2014
Saturday, February 1, 2014
I have heard...
That heartbreak is only temporary, even though there are moments when you hope that it will just kill you. The irrational thoughts are almost impossible to bear...
...but I loved you
...how could you say those things to me
...but i did this or that for you
...why wasn't I enough
I know the answers to all of these questions, which is why they trouble me so. I know my thoughts are irrational and yet I can't help but think them and sometimes believe them. Everyone knows what you're supposed to do and they aren't shy about telling you what you should be doing. And you want to kind of punch them. Because they don't know how hard it was to just put your feet on the ground this morning. And even if you felt good when you woke up, that it didn't take long until the paralyzing fear came out to play again. And then the worst thought ever comes....
...why
And you can't ever answer it, because there is no answer. But all of your friends keep telling you why and telling you how wonderful you are and how you always deserved better and how you are worth so much more and you nod. But you really don't believe it. And it seems so fucking unfair that everyone else is just going on with their lives while it feels like yours is caving in on you. How can they possibly have the Superbowl when you can hardly breathe?
...but I loved you
...how could you say those things to me
...but i did this or that for you
...why wasn't I enough
I know the answers to all of these questions, which is why they trouble me so. I know my thoughts are irrational and yet I can't help but think them and sometimes believe them. Everyone knows what you're supposed to do and they aren't shy about telling you what you should be doing. And you want to kind of punch them. Because they don't know how hard it was to just put your feet on the ground this morning. And even if you felt good when you woke up, that it didn't take long until the paralyzing fear came out to play again. And then the worst thought ever comes....
...why
And you can't ever answer it, because there is no answer. But all of your friends keep telling you why and telling you how wonderful you are and how you always deserved better and how you are worth so much more and you nod. But you really don't believe it. And it seems so fucking unfair that everyone else is just going on with their lives while it feels like yours is caving in on you. How can they possibly have the Superbowl when you can hardly breathe?
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Sherman
My foster baby is listed on BCARN. I love him so much.... to the moon. He is my Shermanator and my little Pooh Bear Bulldog. Won't you please share his post and help him find a home. He has been in rescue for almost a year now...
Shermie's link is here... just click!
Shermie's link is here... just click!
Monday, January 13, 2014
I...
...married you.
...chose you.
...knew it wouldn't be easy.
...listened.
...really did.
...thought about everything you said and I agreed with it.
...was sincerely ready to take accountability for my part in things, which of course, there is, and then things just blew up again.
...said mean things when I was drunk so that you would hurt as much as I was hurting. Was it right? Of course not.
...didn't do or say a lot of the things that you think I did.
...never once said I was right.
...just wanted to be heard, most of all.
...miss you. Us. Who we used to be together before we just started bringing out the absolute worst in each other.
...chose you.
...knew it wouldn't be easy.
...listened.
...really did.
...thought about everything you said and I agreed with it.
...was sincerely ready to take accountability for my part in things, which of course, there is, and then things just blew up again.
...said mean things when I was drunk so that you would hurt as much as I was hurting. Was it right? Of course not.
...didn't do or say a lot of the things that you think I did.
...never once said I was right.
...just wanted to be heard, most of all.
...miss you. Us. Who we used to be together before we just started bringing out the absolute worst in each other.
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