...but I loved you
...how could you say those things to me
...but i did this or that for you
...why wasn't I enough
I know the answers to all of these questions, which is why they trouble me so. I know my thoughts are irrational and yet I can't help but think them and sometimes believe them. Everyone knows what you're supposed to do and they aren't shy about telling you what you should be doing. And you want to kind of punch them. Because they don't know how hard it was to just put your feet on the ground this morning. And even if you felt good when you woke up, that it didn't take long until the paralyzing fear came out to play again. And then the worst thought ever comes....
And you can't ever answer it, because there is no answer. But all of your friends keep telling you why and telling you how wonderful you are and how you always deserved better and how you are worth so much more and you nod. But you really don't believe it. And it seems so fucking unfair that everyone else is just going on with their lives while it feels like yours is caving in on you. How can they possibly have the Superbowl when you can hardly breathe?