But I don't...

It takes every ounce of energy I have to hold up the mask and I'm getting very very tired.

I can't stand to be alone.  I can't stand to be around people.  I can't stand.

I see you...

Everywhere.

I have heard...

That heartbreak is only temporary, even though there are moments when you hope that it will just kill you.  The irrational thoughts are almost impossible to bear...

...but I loved you
...how could you say those things to me
...but i did this or that for you
...why wasn't I enough

I know the answers to all of these questions, which is why they trouble me so.  I know my thoughts are irrational and yet I can't help but think them and sometimes believe them.  Everyone knows what you're supposed to do and they aren't shy about telling you what you should be doing.  And you want to kind of punch them.  Because they don't know how hard it was to just put your feet on the ground this morning.  And even if you felt good when you woke up, that it didn't take long until the paralyzing fear came out to play again.  And then the worst thought ever comes....

...why

And you can't ever answer it, because there is no answer.  But all of your friends keep telling you why and telling you how wonderful you are and how you always deserved better and how you are worth so much more and you nod.  But you really don't believe it.  And it seems so fucking unfair that everyone else is just going on with their lives while it feels like yours is caving in on you.  How can they possibly have the Superbowl when you can hardly breathe?

The person you decided I am...

What if I'm not the person that you decided I am?  The shrew.  The anxious one.  What if you just stopped seeing the softer parts of me because they became harder for me to show?  What if I stopped showing the softer parts because I felt like someone had to be strong to hold us both up.  And what if it was more than I could handle and I did become angry.  And resentful.  And I couldn't find my way back.  And there was no one there to lead me.  And there was no one there at all.

The thing about addiction...

People don't know how to respond to it.  They don't know what to do.  They tip toe around the addict like they have an undiscovered cancer that everyone can see, except the sick person themselves.  They pretend that watching them kill themselves isn't so bad and they don't do anything to help because they are afraid.  They are more afraid of alienating someone, than they are of attending their funeral.  And all of this makes the others, the honest, the most evil people that were for telling the truth.  Because if only one person is telling the truth, then they must be telling a lie.