Noodley

The spaghetti brain is back.  So many thoughts, in a pile, interwoven.  Happy.  Sad.  Frantic.  Peaceful.  Restless.  All at the same time.  Is it the depression?  I just don't know.  Sometimes it feels like the world is just too much.  Too beautiful.  Too tragic.  I feel to perfect.  And too broken.  I think about Jade so much and I feel anger and sadness and fear and anxiety.  I feel unloveable.  Ugly.  Used.  It is hard to do the right thing.  It is hard to suppress anger.  Frustration.  Confusion.  It is hard to live in a world with so many billions of people and feel so alone.  Solitary.  Misunderstood.

"You live down to expectations."  Chuck Palahniuk

My least favorite words...

My life depends on them.  Right now.  This pile of noodle feelings and thoughts...  I have to sort through them, one noodle at a time.  Unraveling them without unraveling.

I haven't looked for her profile in about a week.  I haven't asked about her.  Sometimes I am conscious of it and sometimes I am not.  All of the time, it hurts.

He stays and he goes.  Sometimes without physically moving.  It hurts.  I don't know what the future holds and for the first time in my life I might be ok with that.

The feeling of weakness is sometimes overwhelming.  I am coming to despise being called strong because it's a lie.

Insert a zillion positive cliches about overcoming here.

Mother's Day

I hate it.  So much pressure to post the most loving comments.  So much pressure to give the most thoughtful gift or card.  I resent being forced into appreciating my mom, because even though I love her with all of my heart and soul and could never even begin to thank her or tell her how much I appreciate her, nothing that I could physically give her as a gift would convey how I really feel.  Change your Facebook profile photo to a photo with your mom and that must mean that you are just the best kid ever. *eye roll*  And I know my mom is there watching everyone else's Facebook posts about how much they love their mom and I just don't want to participate, even though I know my non-participation will be construed as a lack of caring.

And what about those who have raised children who are ungrateful, ugly people, despite our best efforts, and don't want the reminder of what a shit experience being a mother turned out to be?  Is there anything more ridiculous and insulting than being shunned or ignored by your own child every single day and then having to endure an entire 24 hours designated for you to be appreciated for your child rearing efforts, only to receive the same thing that you get every other day... ignored.  Only it is worse now because you aren't supposed to be ignored and so you have to sit with the painful reminder that you failed, or they failed, or something failed.

Fuck you Hallmark.